A love letter to Mom

Hi Mom,
I’ve been trying for months to organize all my photos and mementos and came across this post card you sent me in college. I cherish it and will admit, most days feel pretty emerald, all thanks to you, Dad and the rest of the village that raised me. I sent it to Jackie and the response was instant, “you’re there, mom was right!” But then the days come where I just really want my Mom and nothing else matters.

This week is tough. No hiding it. Every year I try to navigate the storm better but its inevitable. I was out running the other day thinking it’s happening, I’m going dark. The clouds are overhead and I can start to feel the sadness and the feeling sorry for myself. I hate the feeling sorry part. Tough rocks Jen! There are far worse off. Meanwhile Mike’s trying so hard to be the perfect husband and that just makes me want to cry more. I miss you! As life goes rambling by, the ups, the downs, the drama, I sit and think DAMN I would love to know what Mom is thinking right now. You always knew just what to say and that was that – end of story.

I’m sorry I forgot to wear the long white gloves on my wedding day. I cannot believe Jackie and I both missed that. You practically made us wear them to Prom to be “just like Jackie O.” I still wonder where my baptismal gown is. I would of loved it for Jack and Sophia but its ok. They can start a new one for their children. Shortly after you passed, Aunt Kathy sent me a book entitled Motherless Daughters and I remember reading how it “helps to start new traditions” although easier said than done when you were the centerpiece of all of them. I hung on to the pages in that book like I was hanging on for my life.

My goodness you were talented. Growing up I remember thinking my Mom can do ANYTHING! I wish I had half your magic but honestly I’m just happy I had you. You made us feel so special, always doing things for us in your own extremely creative and unique way.  When we went away to state competition and all the parents were asked to make special pillow cases, yours was so far and away, that I felt sorry for everyone else. I can remember teachers stopping me in the hallway on the first day of school to admire this year’s “jumper” you’d sewn for me. Even the cupcakes you brought to class were the bomb. The best-looking orange frosted “pumpkins” with their m and m eyes, candy corn nose and licorice lace mouths or the pink frosted valentine ones with the perfect (not a red sugar sprinkle out of place) hearts from a homemade stencil you’d cut from cardboard. I tried those. Not so easy! Everything you touched was instant gold. I have fond memories of people saying, “we know whose daughter you are” whenever I did anything remotely artistic and I’d just smile not yet realizing the magnitude of just how lucky I was to have a Mom like you.

Dad is due down here in a few days and its hard for him still. He cries a lot Mom. Must be where I get it from. Especially when he sees Jack and Sophia cutting it up, loving each other. Jack has the cry bug too. He said to me one night, bawling, barely able to catch his breath, “I hate that I’m so emotional.” Sweet baby. It’s because you have a beautiful heart Jack.

Poor guy cried his little heart out last week when he heard his best bud is moving out of state. We just sat there on the stairs, rocking back and forth and I thought of all the times I laid my head on your lap and you’d stroke my hair until I finally calmed down. Thank you for that. I felt so safe.

Honestly Mom, I’m in denial about Jack and Sophia never knowing their Grandmother. I try not to let my mind go there. I need to do a better job of telling them more about you and I need to do a better job myself! There is so much I do not know still. The more I find out, the more in awe I am of your journey and how you handled it all. It truly is a story of love and triumph.

You know looking back and comparing today’s life to then, our family didn’t have much and that is the beauty. You managed a charmed childhood with very little and there in lies the magic of motherhood. I still to this day cannot get Jack and Sophia’s Christmas stockings half as exciting as ours were growing up (the stockings were my favorite part!). Thank you for staying up all night to give us those magical mornings. Making us wait at the top of the stairs until your “movie” camera was ready with that big bright light. We could not see a thing running down! Thank you for coloring Easter eggs with us every year,  hiding them in the best spots and our baskets overflowing. Easter was another time of year I’d get to model a new skirt you made for me to wear to Church. My favorite was the pink floral because it had a good spin to it, nice and big when I did a twirl. Birthday parties in the backyard on a blanket were always good enough for me!

Olivia Newton-John. My hero. 

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